Do they really speak better English than I do?

Hello reader. Today we'll be discussing language yet again, however, it will not be as difficult as Estonian or Chinese (see previous blog about Chinese). Today we'll stick to English, and it's many speakers. English is quickly becoming the most widely spoken language in the world---yay Westernization! Unlike most American's, Europeans begin their foreign language studies while very young. Therefore, they are competent in at least three or four different languages by the time they choose to go abroad, again unlike most American's who cannot understand the family of Mexican immigrants living next door. Apparently, like learning other academic subjects, acquiring a second language is done better by those outside of the U.S. In the same way that the Japanese (as well as many other countries) have surpassed Americans in math and science, students in other countries are now learning English more effectivaley. As was written in my guide book about the desk-clerks at one Estonian hotel, "they will speak better English than you do".........They will what! How did this happen?! At what point did we become second-rate speakers of our own native tongue?

I suppose to solve this potential travesty, we must examine certain aspects of the situation. First, where are they learning English? Most logically, they are learning it in school. We'll examine this later. Estonians also have access to American popular culture; television, movies, music...etc. Television language is very colloquial (except for Dawson's Creek, which I don't think they have), and I know that I speak better English than Britney, Justin, and Lil Bow Wow. Well, sometimes movies can be rather high-brow, but I cannot imagine them learning better English from Harry Potter or the Chronicles of Narnia....or are they?! Let's return to the teachers:

Supposing that there are very few native English speakers teaching in the Estonian school system, we must assume that accredited Estonian -English teachers are leading the classroom. They were probably taught by their teachers, and so on...So how did English come to Estonia? Who were the first English-speakers Estonians had contact with?.........The British! Geographically, they are the first point of contact. In fact, there is a memorial at the Estonian Maritime Museum to British naval officers who died while fighting alongside Estonians.

So Estonians have learned English from the British. Then one can defer by means of this theorem, a=b, and b=c, therefore a=c, that Estonian desk-clerks speak better English than I do because they learned it from the British. So we must infer that British-English is beleived to be superior to our American-English!...If you are a little outraged or concerned, post a response to my blog!

What is going on here?! Who decided this?! Where do I sent my letter of contempt?! Is this a conspiracy?!.........yes! Perhaps this is all a ploy by the British to reclaim America as part of the British-Commonwealth. They are still sore from when we finally kicked them back across the pond in 1783 (see Treaty of Paris, 1783). Lets examine how this might unfold.

Currently our Education system is under the yoke of Bush's No Child Left Behind Act. In this mandate, emphasis is placed on raising math and science scores in our public schools. Time and funding are taken away from other subjects like the arts, physical education, and social sciences so that we can better compete with the Japenese (as well as many other countries). Teachers are finding and importing new ways of teaching math and science in fear of loosing government funding or worse, their jobs. Imagine what will happen when the story breaks that we are behind in our English skills!

Soon, there will be government legislation (again infringing on State's rights to regulate and oversee their own educational policies) forcing schools to put added emphasis on learning the English language. Eventually, teachers will uncover the truth that it is a widespread belief that the British speak better than we speak, and they will begin instructing their classes in British-English. Then, all American students will start speaking with a British-accent.

After this, it is only a matter of time until every American will speak this way, thus wiping out all American dialects. We will no longer stand in "lines", but "queues" (see post about "lines" and "queues"). Girls will no longer be "totally hot", but " bloody fit", and we'll all watch the "Tele" with our "mates" after arriving home from a jaunty ride on the "tube". Once we have begun to speak British, we will start thinking this way as well. Someone will realize just how much we now have in common with our fore-fathers, and mother country. England will extend their tea and crumpet-filled hands of friendship, thus sealing our return to the commonwealth fold...

I implore that you all write your congressmen immediatley. Alert the media of this conspiracy, and for heaven's sake we must stop importing so many British movies and film stars! We are in a national state of emergency. I however, am grounded here in Estonian, therefore it is up to YOU to be like our Paul Revere and get notice to all that indeed it is both "two if by land", and "three if by sea"! I will stay here and continue to speak my American-English, knowing that all around me their lies a deep, dark secret of intrigue and deception.--Cheers!

*Pics: http://members.tripod.com/bobgreiner/1d12c330.jpg