Eurovision: Corruption at its finest, or....WTF, Finland!?

I'm sick today. I have a runny and stuffy nose, sore throat, and a hollow, heaving sort of cough. This means that you get a new post...see there's the silver lining. A week ago today, Eurovision mania began its countdown to insanity. For months now, Europe has been gearing up to see which country will win the coveted Song of the Year. As an American, I could care less. In fact, I'd never even heard of Eurovision before moving to Estonia. This year I decided to see how excited I could get in supporting Estonia with my friends in this contest. This is how the procedure works:

Sometime in late fall or winter, there is a country competition. International judges choose what song will best represent each country in the years Eurovision contest. Think of it like the qualifing heats for the Olympics...except that every country will be represented (well...not really; keep reading). Next, there are concerts and publicity for months. Out of nowhere, you go to a party and everyone knows all the words to the songs and drama behind each of the performers. Ok, then a week ago there was the semifinal competition. Twenty-three countries compete and the top ten are picked to appear in the final. You may be thinking, "but there are more than 23 countries in Europe". Well...the 10 lucky winners of the semifinal join The Big 4 (France, UK, Spain, and Germany), and the 9 top countries from the previous year (these 13 did not even have to go to the semifinals). Voters from around Europe then call in or SMS to vote for their favorites. Whoever recieves the most votes wins. Lets examine things a little more closely though:

1. The Big 4? These countries are notorious for how bad their entries are, France in particular. This year Germany had a country music theme, the UK tried their hand at rap, and I don't even remember what Spain did. They are, however, the biggest financial contributors; and lets face it, if audiences from these 4 places did not watch, ratings would plummet.
2. Israel and Turkey? Israel is not in Europe, and though Turkey is trying, I don't think they really are yet either... Though as a show of support from the European community, Turkey made it all the way to the finals with their platinum blonde amazon front-woman. Addmittedly, the song gets catchier every time you hear it. I'd be interested to see how Israel would fare in a MiddleEastvision song contest.
3. Where's Italy? Italy does not compete in Eurovision due to scandals and grudges from the past.
4. Serbia and Montenegro did not send a singer this year because the country could not agree on whether to send an entry from Serbia or Montenegro (who desperatley wants autonomy).
5. Voting-cest? Countries assign points 1-7, 8, 10, and 12 to their favorite countries. Realistically, point 1-7 don't make much difference. 8 points always goes to a neighbor, 10 goes to either another neighbor or to the country that had previously subjugated and occupied the voting country (Russia got a lot of 10 point assignments). 12 points is a toss up. It can either go to a neighbor state, or to Finland.

So how did it all end? Finland won with an overwhelming 292 points, followed by Russia who also broke 200 (see, the Cold War wasn't such a bust). I think third or fourth place went to The Former Yugolsavian Republic of Macedonia, but what kind of a country name is that? FYRM? And how did Estonia do? We didn't even make it to the finals. In fact, Estonia finished 18th out of the 23 countries in the semifinals.

In light of this travesty, lets see what went wrong. Below is the winning Finnish entry followed by the Estonian entry. Watch them each a couple of times so you can really appreciate the differences.

Finland


Estonia


Ok Estonia, here are a few things to think about for next years entry:
1. Definatley not enough pyrotechnics. If you're not constantly endagering the lives of your performers, you're setting too few things on fire.
2. Platform shoes are the key to a memorable frontman. Sandra, you're thigh-high white boots just don't cut this rug.
3. This is a two parter: A. You must have instruments. Bands are hot; they can just stand there and get away with it. Sandra...you can't. B. These instruments must also double as weapons. Intimidating the audience is a sure-fire way to get votes. Voting is a small price to pay to keep my soul from being harvested by demons and monsters.
4. Spontaneous appendage growth. The guy from Lordi has creepy demon wings growing from his back during the "build-up" portion preceeding the final choruses section. It would have been nice to see Sandra grow an extra head, or possibly a tail out of her enormous belt (belt is on loan from the Inspector Gadget estate)...she only aquired back-up dancers.
5. The magic gender ratio is 4 men to 1 creepy woman. Estonia had 5 women to 1 creepy man. Estonia, you got it backwards! But I have to ask both countries, "Where did you find these creepy token guys?" Estonia also had way to many Blondes. Mix it up, try adding some baldies or a mowhawk next time.
6. Finland, and this is why they deserved to win, was unique. Everyone knew Finland's group and song. It was completely memorable and exciting. I actually really like the Estonian entry and I think it deserved to get to at least the finals. Alas, there's always next year. Hopefully these tips will help get Estonia some points next year.

Below are links to some of my other favorite entries:

1.Belgium

2.Denmark

3.Russia

4.Romania

5.Sweden